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Father No More

from RetroSpek by Lefspek

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An angry song about Rudy. (My Dad)

lyrics

Born into your addiction
Habitual friction
Typical position
Of so many children missing
Stability
Enabling your ability
To turn the tables willingly
From nice guy to nasty
Scream until you were raspy
Have me panicked and gasping
Praying you weren't staying
And that you'd walk past me
Wanted to be anywhere but there
In your moody nightmare
Threw up my supper sometimes
Cuz I was so scared
Disciplined in anger
My innocence in danger
Went to church every week
but to them you were a stranger
Secret psychopath
Screaming that you might go mad
But you were and you are
With your mind in a jar
In these last ten years I never know where you are
Tortured by your demons
On hand outs your leaning
Camoed out and scheming
How to get what your needing
The Booze
Liquid loose
Oozes out of your pores
You snooze in you shoes
On a concrete floor
Clothes tattered
Hair matted
Hands battered by the wilderness
Madd hatter chatter chatter
Prattles from your swilling lips
A picture hard to paint
In my mind's eye
Cuz you are what you aint
Straight tainted by
I lie you were living
By me you've been forgiven
But you faint
Every time your restraints
Make you give in
Never been farther before
You are my father no more
You have my pardon to pour
I know you're starving to score
But I'm no longer sitting
Beside you while you sipping
There's a weight between love and hate
And my scale is tipping
As a man my plan
Was to conquer my fear
Because of Dad
I always ran when conflict came near
In any debate
Anxiety gave chase
Until the day it kept pace
And I punch him in the face
Tears dropped shell shocked
Surprised Pops
With my fierceness
After so many years
He could finally hear this
Defense in present tense
Of what his actions implement
I'm a conqueror
That's what my name Vincent meant
No more would I cower
Beneath paternal power
Abusive contusions
Bruised this fruit gone sour
Fermenting in a bucket of blame
Tormenting myself
With his spell still stuck in my brain
Criticisms put downs
Cynicism cold frown
Pessimistic vibe
Like hanging 'round an old clown
The speck of respect
Makes up half of my name
But I regret
The neglect
Has had exceptional gain
Lived alone enough to know
The negative has to go
But he'll always be that
Unless he can change and grow
No apologies
Could call to me a reason to go back
He's on his own to stand alone in a sinking sand trap
I can't help but feel bad
Cuz my Dad is roaming homeless
Situation sad
That it had to get so hopeless
But I've been fucked up long enough
Can't let him steal my focus
Like rain to my flame
And a drain on how I cope with
My own life
Child and wife
Depend on my actions
Gotta put my crutches down
And clutch the sound
While I rapped
Negative voice
Trapped in my brain
Telling me I got no choice
We're exactly the same
Devil's development
Unsettles my sane
But it's lies and embellishments
I got break the chain
Raise my sons to believe
Everything they see in me
By conquering the demons
That try to seize the tree
That they fall from
When its all done
And said
I hope to be a calming presence
Evident in their heads
And not add to scoring
Of absorbing horror stories
Raise kids like I did
Who have love and respect for me
Enriched by expressions and art
Only knowing encouraging lessons
And good impressions from the start
I set the spark alight
And in my afterlife I'll watch it blaze
It was far for right
And dark as night
But I caught the rays
Reflected from an eclectic
Sense of self
I reject those reckless deeds
As they're dealt

credits

from RetroSpek, released November 28, 2020
Beat by SWANN. Recorded and mixed by Riksha.

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Lefspek Toronto, Ontario

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